July 8th, 2024

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,

Do you ever hate yourself so much to the point of wanting to die? I do. Every day. Are you tired of all good and nice things in life because, you don't deserve them? I am. I don't deserve kindness. People treating me well only makes my life that much worse. I'm hateful, spiteful, angry, sad. 

I live a worthless existence. A useless piece of shit. Selfish. I scream and yell. I hurt the people around me. Why? I try to blame my bipolar but let's face it. 

I try to tell myself that people's kindness are lies. They don't really care. Is it true? Who knows. All I know is that if I were gone, I would be happy. I won't lie to myself and think that I'm special. Special enough to mean something. To have impact on the world around me. I'm selfish because I naïvely thought I deserved love or affection. But when people try to show it, I push them away. 

I'm selfish because death is my only escape from pain. I hate myself. I hate being angry. I hate being here. I hate being a horrible mother. I can't even love my son right. He would be better off without me. I deserve to be hated by him. I wish they would take him from me. So, I can be selfish. 

The one true wish I ever had in life was to have a friend. A true genuine friend. Someone I could tell anything to without worry of judgement or backlash. Humans being selfish creatures by nature are always looking for love. A special someone. To share their life with. Me... I'm an isolated creature by nature. I never wanted love. I just wanted a friend. Someone to talk to when I feel lonely. Not a husband. Not a child. Not my family. A friend. But it'll never happen. I will live the rest of my miserable life pushing the loved ones who put up with me away. Hating everyone and everything. 

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

June 18th, 2024

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,

I can't seem to get my life together. Ever since I lost my job at River City. I think about death every day. Whether it be suicidal ideation or 'what if's' I can't stop. I'm not afraid to die, but I feel like something is keeping me here. Honestly, I can't even be a decent human being and lie saying, "I'm still alive because of Aiden." Because no matter how much I love my son he is not the reason I'm still alive. It could be one reason, or it could be many. Whatever the case may be I can promise they are selfish in nature. One possible reason is: I want to read and complete every book/manga that I have on my bookshelf/iPad.

I am a great actor. I have done nothing but lie to my friends and family. I won't say what lies I've spewed now but I will one day. Before I die. Secrets and lies. Fooling those who I called friend or family. When will my curtain fall. When is it my turn to take the final bow. One day.

I hope one day I can get my name legally changed to Kei' Mira Quill McFall. Kei for short. I'm about to tell you why this is so important to me.

Being nonbinary means even though I have boobs and a vagina and was born a 'female' it does not mean I want to be that way. I don't feel feminine like I'm 'supposed too. I don't feel masculine like my personality would suggest. I feel either a combination of both or none at all. I call it a void. Or that both are so equally at attention in my presence and how I carry myself that it cancels each other out. Eliminating 'gender' entirely. Being Kei helps me cope with the fact that I'm different. Let's face it. I don't fit in with anyone. I'm weird, odd; strange. I like playing with the idea that I'm like a snowflake. An individual. The original. Because what's the fun about being like everyone else. 

Being Kei helps me cope with knowing I get to be who I was truly meant to be. And no one can take that from me. NOT society. NOT my family. NO ONE. I am who I'm meant to be. Kei takes all the stereotypes, sexism, and disgusting ways people judge based on a person's gender and gives it 2 middle fingers. 

I am also going to explain my sexual orientation. An aegosexual/pansexual. Pansexual simply means all genders and sexual orientations are attractive sexually and romantically to me. But let's not forget I still have a type. 

Cis females can be attractive in any capacity. (meaning body size) Cis males I prefer to be taller than me and skinny. Perfect example would be emo/skater boy. (Though statistically speaking definitely not what I married.)

Trans males would be similar to cis males. Bonus points for androgynous looks. Top and bottom surgery is optional. 

Trans females would be similar to a cis female. Would prefer to at least have bottom surgery. 

Now comes the fun part. Being aegosexual means I can watch/read porn/smut/hentai/yaoi and release sexual; frustrations but I do not want a sexual/romantic relationship with anyone. I can find people attractive, but I don't want to have sex. I would rather be single\ and use my B.O.B.

In conclusion my name is Kei and I'm a nonbinary, pansexual, aegosexual. I'm a crazy bitch who constantly has suicide on their mind. This is my memoir. Just kidding. 😉 This is just a collection of my thoughts so I can get them out to limit the cause of my implosions and explosions on everyone around me. 

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

June 6th, 2024

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,

I've been so angry today. I was so mean and ignorant to Aiden because he won't settle down. I hate being bipolar!!!! I hate being so angry and irritable. My own son hates me, and I have no one to blame but myself!!!! I always tell people that humans are trash, disgusting and vile creatures! But what I'm really saying is 'I am' all those things too. What do I contribute to this world? Simple. Nothing. I am a waste of space. A worthless existence.... Sorry my mind went a million different directions. I got lost for a bit. 😓 I'll let that thought go for today. To sum up today: Me + anger + being mean to Aiden + being worthless and useless = being TRASH

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day! 🦇 👋

Religious Hoopla

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones, 

I'm an Omnist. 

Omnism is the belief that all religions, philosophies, and esoteric traditions are valid and relevant. It's a spiritual concept that encourages people to respect and appreciate the diversity of the world's belief systems.

I grew up strictly non-denominational Christian, but I unlearned what I was taught because I felt everything that I was taught didn't really follow what I thought was right or wrong. It all felt very judgmental and hypocritical, which was the complete opposite of being a good person who doesn't judge or look down on someone because they're different or don't believe in what you believe.

With that said here is how I perceive 'God'.

1. A dictator

2. Narcissistic

I view 'God' as a dictator because why does he get to decide what constitutes as a sin or not. I'm not saying murder, lying, stealing, and cheating aren't bad, what I'm saying is what gives 'God' the right to damn someone to eternal suffering just because he deems something a sin. If each person in this world acted with more kindness there wouldn't be a need for eternal damnation.

I view 'God' as narcissistic because he won't allow any other religions to be recognized or to hold any belief in them. In the bible 'God' would test his follower's belief by asking them to do horrendous acts, such as murdering their own child just to prove they're faith. I do not view Genisis 22 where Abrham was tested to kill his son Issac as a sacrifice, its murder plan and simple. 

I guarantee if any devote Christian was asked by 'God' nowadays to 'sacrifice' their child they would not obey. Though common sense and logic doesn't typically apply to such groups so I could be wrong. I hope I wouldn't be though. 

These are my personal thoughts and are in no way are they trying to persuade any particular person or persons to agree with me. They represent the perspective of an open-minded individual. I respect all viewpoints and beliefs no matter my own personal beliefs. For those who read this you are valid no matter the opinions of others. 

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

Welcome to Venting, Poetry, and Other Peculiarities

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones, 

Welcome to a haven for all the souls who feel deeply, think endlessly, and find beauty in the shadows. This is a space where every emotion is valid, every thought is meaningful, and every piece of art is a glimpse into the intricacies of the human experience.

What You'll Find Here

Venting: Life can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and sometimes we just need to let it all out. This is your safe space to vent, express, and share your thoughts without fear of judgment. Whether you're feeling lost, angry, or just need to unload, we're here to listen.

Poetry: Words have a way of capturing the essence of our emotions. Here, you'll find poetry that speaks to the heart and soul, exploring themes of love, loss, pain, and everything in between. Feel free to share your own poems and connect with others who understand the beauty of raw, honest expression.

Other Peculiarities: Life is full of oddities and unique experiences that shape who we are. This section celebrates the quirks and peculiarities that make us human. From musings on the meaning of life to reflections on the little things that bring us joy, there's something here for everyone.
Join the Community

We invite you to be a part of this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're here to read, write, or simply find solace in knowing you're not alone, we hope you feel at home. Let's embrace the highs and lows together, and celebrate the beautiful messiness of being human.

Thank you for being here. Let's vent, create, and find meaning in the peculiarities of life.

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

Mental Health Check

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,

I hate feeling apologetic for something I can’t control. Something I was born with shouldn’t make me feel guilty when it comes about, but when the people around you constantly make you feel like it’s all your fault; that you're a monster and demon and you don’t deserve to be treated as a human, you can’t help but feel like they’re right. 

So, I struggle every day. Of battling with debilitating mental illness, feeling overwhelming guilt and hatred of myself, and knowing that I shouldn’t feel guilty or hate myself but can’t stop doing it anyway.

All of this is an endless cycle 24/7 in my mind. So, though the existential crisis is real I will continue like this day to day because I love my son. 

As much as I wish I could end my suffering I choose to continue for him. Only him. I can’t help when the impulse takes control so, please be patient and help me by assuring me everything thing is ok. 

Once I calm down, I promise I still won’t be ok, but I’ll plaster my smile and soldier on in the war that is my mind. 

Because at the end of the day I have died long ago, and systems switched to auto pilot in this human suit. Please excuse me while I suffer in silence. 

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

Story Time

Patient Testament

Patient Name: Heather McFall (Kei)
D.O.B: 05/31/1993
Gender: Female (non-binary)

The reason I feel like two different people is because when Heather jumped off the bridge on April 26, 2011 her entire life changed and the people around her treated her differently; cold and uncaring. That fact didn’t sink in until December of that year. Her mother dropped her off at a behavioral health clinic after only being with her a week or so after being helped out of an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend. 

She was 18 and alone with no place to live. Not long after she ended up in the psych ward around Christmas time. That day of the bridge incident on April 26 2011, Heather Marie Fritz died from neglect, abandonment, the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. For a short time, the ever-elusive ego Raven took over. 

Fade in____

From there, well no need to go into detail it’s all in the notes I gave you. 

Ahem anyway, the now present Kei’Mira or Kei for short is able to acknowledge all of this, is because they are clearheaded enough to think for themselv… 

Oh for Gods sake Karson yes, their pronouns are they/them, no you can’t ask why, and I mentioned Raven being toxically medicated in the notes because she was a FUCKING LUNITIC!!! 

But you would know the answer to that and more if you would have read them huh? 

Right so anyway Kei is the current entity in the human suit and so far, I see a lot of woah- 

They uh, didn’t say there was this much shit to go through. 

I had half of this with the ego Raven and that took me 3 years to file.

Oh jeez now, come on guys. Give us a break. 

Fuuuuck. 

Alright you know what, the sooner we start the sooner we came be done. Josh go grab your laptop and Kassie you and Mark work on…. 

Fade out_____

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror
What do you see?

A being masquerading in human form

Mirror, mirror
Why do you not reflect what I see?

A void; dark wisps of shadow

Mirror, mirror
What do they see?

The puppet or the blank canvas

Mirror, mirror
What do they want with me?

To control the strings and become the painter

Broken Toy

I am broken, the end is near

Dismantle
Discard
Destroy

Too fragile to sustain, too tired to remain

Fragments
Pieces
Shreds

Halt this mind that twists and warps
Dispose of this rotting corpse

Burn its remnants to ash
Kill this worthless trash

Don’t deny the sick glee
That you would feel after getting rid of me

I’m a burden, a shallow husk of despair
I can’t help but feel you don’t actually care

Death is my goal, my completion
I wish I could accelerate my deletion

From this world so cold and cruel
I’m sorry I was born different and unusual

Humanity Strikes Again

Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,

Humans express their stupidity with the technology they create. For example:

App/website:

Username:____________

Password: ____________

Me: *Imputes password and email when prompted*

App/website:

Verify 2-step authentication.

Text or call (phone number)?

Now it would be fine if said phone number was working but alas it doesn’t so now, we’re not even at square one we’re at being completely locked out because I have no way to verify my own identity. Real smooth people; I’m sorry that I’m not rich and that I can’t afford to pay my expensive phone bill because I lost my job and life went to shit; but you didn’t think of that did you, you only thought of the majority of the populace. The privileged ones who started off with at least half a chance in this world. The rich and entitled. But again, congratulations humanity you never cease to amaze me; who would have thought that the saying “the rich get richer and the poor get poorer” wasn’t based on factual evidence. But alas, c’est la vie!

Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.

I am the Enemy

How's it feel to be free

To be free

of this psychotic nightmare that is me

The psycho you created

yet never understanded

The nightmare that you disowned

betrayed and abandoned

I wish I could be free

Free of the war that twists

and writhes inside me

Forever

Continuous

Unending

… Ironically my enemy; is me

I loathe myself; stronger than any other

But I know the effort I put forth

is truly my best

Multiple versions of myself

demanding the mic at center stage

Wanting their turn at the controls

of this empty shell

Some logical

and of sound reasoning

Others escape the mind prison

from time to time

It’s the luck of the draw

on whom commandeered this vessel today

I just hope we all have a good day