Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,
I can't seem to get my life together. Ever since I lost my job at River City. I think about death every day. Whether it be suicidal ideation or 'what if's' I can't stop. I'm not afraid to die, but I feel like something is keeping me here. Honestly, I can't even be a decent human being and lie saying, "I'm still alive because of Aiden." Because no matter how much I love my son he is not the reason I'm still alive. It could be one reason, or it could be many. Whatever the case may be I can promise they are selfish in nature. One possible reason is: I want to read and complete every book/manga that I have on my bookshelf/iPad.
I am a great actor. I have done nothing but lie to my friends and family. I won't say what lies I've spewed now but I will one day. Before I die. Secrets and lies. Fooling those who I called friend or family. When will my curtain fall. When is it my turn to take the final bow. One day.
I hope one day I can get my name legally changed to Kei' Mira Quill McFall. Kei for short. I'm about to tell you why this is so important to me.
Being nonbinary means even though I have boobs and a vagina and was born a 'female' it does not mean I want to be that way. I don't feel feminine like I'm 'supposed too. I don't feel masculine like my personality would suggest. I feel either a combination of both or none at all. I call it a void. Or that both are so equally at attention in my presence and how I carry myself that it cancels each other out. Eliminating 'gender' entirely. Being Kei helps me cope with the fact that I'm different. Let's face it. I don't fit in with anyone. I'm weird, odd; strange. I like playing with the idea that I'm like a snowflake. An individual. The original. Because what's the fun about being like everyone else.
Being Kei helps me cope with knowing I get to be who I was truly meant to be. And no one can take that from me. NOT society. NOT my family. NO ONE. I am who I'm meant to be. Kei takes all the stereotypes, sexism, and disgusting ways people judge based on a person's gender and gives it 2 middle fingers.
I am also going to explain my sexual orientation. An aegosexual/pansexual. Pansexual simply means all genders and sexual orientations are attractive sexually and romantically to me. But let's not forget I still have a type.
Cis females can be attractive in any capacity. (meaning body size) Cis males I prefer to be taller than me and skinny. Perfect example would be emo/skater boy. (Though statistically speaking definitely not what I married.)
Trans males would be similar to cis males. Bonus points for androgynous looks. Top and bottom surgery is optional.
Trans females would be similar to a cis female. Would prefer to at least have bottom surgery.
Now comes the fun part. Being aegosexual means I can watch/read porn/smut/hentai/yaoi and release sexual; frustrations but I do not want a sexual/romantic relationship with anyone. I can find people attractive, but I don't want to have sex. I would rather be single\ and use my B.O.B.
In conclusion my name is Kei and I'm a nonbinary, pansexual, aegosexual. I'm a crazy bitch who constantly has suicide on their mind. This is my memoir. Just kidding. 😉 This is just a collection of my thoughts so I can get them out to limit the cause of my implosions and explosions on everyone around me.
Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.