Doom and gloomy salutations forlorn ones,
Do you ever hate yourself so much to the point of wanting to die? I do. Every day. Are you tired of all good and nice things in life because, you don't deserve them? I am. I don't deserve kindness. People treating me well only makes my life that much worse. I'm hateful, spiteful, angry, sad.
I live a worthless existence. A useless piece of shit. Selfish. I scream and yell. I hurt the people around me. Why? I try to blame my bipolar but let's face it.
I try to tell myself that people's kindness are lies. They don't really care. Is it true? Who knows. All I know is that if I were gone, I would be happy. I won't lie to myself and think that I'm special. Special enough to mean something. To have impact on the world around me. I'm selfish because I naïvely thought I deserved love or affection. But when people try to show it, I push them away.
I'm selfish because death is my only escape from pain. I hate myself. I hate being angry. I hate being here. I hate being a horrible mother. I can't even love my son right. He would be better off without me. I deserve to be hated by him. I wish they would take him from me. So, I can be selfish.
The one true wish I ever had in life was to have a friend. A true genuine friend. Someone I could tell anything to without worry of judgement or backlash. Humans being selfish creatures by nature are always looking for love. A special someone. To share their life with. Me... I'm an isolated creature by nature. I never wanted love. I just wanted a friend. Someone to talk to when I feel lonely. Not a husband. Not a child. Not my family. A friend. But it'll never happen. I will live the rest of my miserable life pushing the loved ones who put up with me away. Hating everyone and everything.
Until next time. Have a spooktacular day.