With What Authority

 History is repeating with Christianity. All throughout history millions of people have been murdered in the name if ‘God’. The only difference is nowadays anyone or anything that goes against ’God’ is oppressed and discriminated against, hated and threatened on a daily basis. 

All because their religion claims it’s a sin. Just because their ‘God’ claims to be the only god, doesn’t make it true. A belief is exactly that a belief. Not everyone believes in what you believe just as you don’t believe in other religions. It’s called being aware. 

Point is all those other people throughout history judged and condemned innocent people for a ‘God’, for a religion that has only been around for 2 thousand years give or take when Hinduism is the oldest religion; being 4 thousand years old. Become self aware. 

No one has the right to deem what constitutes as a sin, not even a ‘God’.

When Can I live as Me

 Caught in an endless loop of being forced to be someone I’m not. Since I can remember I was always told who to be , how to act. I was never able to be myself. 

The cycle continues today. I finally recognize who I want to be and who I was always meant to be yet I’m still forced to conform and be who they want me to be. Society, friends, family. If anyone ever took the time to realize my personality and everything that is me all connects with Kai. 

The sheep are blinded by societal norms not comprehending that a gender does not define a person. A name is not what makes a person who they are. If a person feels uncomfortable with how they look or feel they have a right as a human being to express themselves in whatever way makes them comfortable. 

Whispers of Green

In the hush of night, where shadows dwell,  

A tender leaf, a story to tell.  

Embers ignite in the solitude's embrace,  

Each inhale whispers—a gentle grace.  

Thoughts untangle like vines in bloom,  

Lifting the veil of an oppressive gloom.  

Color dances where silence once reigned,  

A mind reborn, no longer constrained.  

Through swirling smoke, a cosmos appears,  

Releasing the weight of unspoken fears.  

In laughter’s echo and peace’s soft sigh,  

Maryjane’s gift lets spirits fly high.

A hush unfolds where burdens cease,

A breath unchained, a whispered peace.

In quiet light, the soul unwinds,

A sanctuary where calmness binds. 

Little Sheep

 

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**

Veiled in wool, you follow blind,  

Led astray by shepherds' hands.  

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**  

Shake loose the flock’s embrace,  

Awaken to your own voice.  

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**  

Why should another’s identity matter,  

When it brings no harm to you?

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**  

Turning away from those who are different

Casting judgment on what you cannot comprehend

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**  

We are human—selfish, flawed,  

Far from perfect, but not beyond repair.  

**Bleat, little sheep, bleat—**  

Empathy’s touch could heal this world,  

A kindness simple, yet profound.  

So strip away conformity’s chains.

Tear apart the box 

they placed you in.

Rise— not in the herd’s shadow, 

but in your own light.

I’m Selfish Because

 I’m selfish 

But not in the way 

you understand it 

I don’t desire material things 

or worldly delights 

my selfishness 

lies with my son

I’m selfish 

because I want to surrender 

Put up the white flag 

to the war in my mind 

I’m selfish

because sometimes 

the mask I don cracks and crumbles

and I selfishly want it to finally

come undone 

For if I am nothing, I am free

 

 

An object

Something delicate 

Never truly equal

The times may change,  but the mind is set

Locked, stuck in a perpetual loop 

Man before woman

Gender conformity has ran amok for millennia

I chose to be open in mind

Free to accept and understand unconditionally 

If I so choose this gender-less life

why would that affect you

Is it because you can no longer control this body

the one you deem necessary to believe

has anything to do with me as a person 

A body

A personal place 

that has no reason to be known 

my body is my own

Does not define me 

I define who I become 

For if I am nothing, I am free

Too Loud

Give me the lobotomy

Make me fucking dead

It’s so fucking loud in here

Get these voices out my head

Removing the Veil

 Waiting for the day when the masses remove the veil covering their eyes

When the sheep become more than just following blindly 

Where they see that what other people do is none of their business as long as it doesn’t affect them personally in an unhealthy or life threatening way 

Where they learn that not everyone is going to accept what they believe, just as they don’t accept the beliefs of what others say

Where they can break free from the mold, the box they’ve placed themselves in

They speak of fairness, freedom, equality, justice, but when the belief or lifestyle of others doesn’t conform to their definition of these human rights they suppress the opposition 

We all are given the same chance to be better than those that came before us, too be kind to everyone no matter what they look like or who they love, how they live their life, who they pray to

Each movement in history that was fought for the basic rights as humans didn’t happen overnight 

Our time will come

The time for the oppressed to once again stand up for our rights as people, as human beings 

I’m tired of living in a world, a society where people are afraid 

Afraid that today might be the day, the day where their voices are silenced 

All for being themselves, all for just trying to make it, day by day, just like everyone else, 

All in the name of “progress” 

These Are My Friends

These are my friends

sharp edges that bleed me dry

they leave scars

that stay with me forever

These are my friends 

they reflect my pain

red rivers flowing

staining my flesh, their canvas

These are my friends

their warm sweet song

echoes like a melody

promising not to abandon me

These are my friends

my only solace in the darkness

free of loneliness

free of judgement

These are my friends

bringing me closer to eternal peace

death isn't my escape 

it’s a place to belong, no longer the outcast

Mental Health Check

 I've been trying to learn more about my mental illness. Mainly my schizoaffective disorder. I hope with understanding my illnesses I'll be able to understand myself and cope with it when an episode occurs.

I believe I was at one point in remission with my schizoaffective disorder for 4-5 years because my symptoms were a bit easier to handle, but I know I am no longer in remission and have no hope of ever achieving remission again. 

Noticeable symptoms include:

Auditory hallucinations- One voice. Distorted but I can understand every word. I can hear them as if they were sitting next to me. The volume is normal. It's not a whisper. They are hateful, spiteful, and sadistic at first to hurt me and put me down. To manipulate me. I can feel their aura. I can also see their aura. (see visual hallucinations) Situation is of no concern but the intensity of dark aura increases when I am at my lowest. Once they see me begin to cave, they turn sweet, but only to make me feel like I'm making the right choice by harming or killing myself. Like coxing a child to do something they know they shouldn't. 

Visual hallucinations- I can see the entity but it only appears as a shadow, like a dark aura. I see centipedes also. The time of day doesn't matter. I see them as if they were rain falling. Small and individual. 

Coping mechanisms, I have in place to help when an episode occurs include:

Listening to music with my headphones

Playing my Nintendo Switch

Infinity fidget cube

Take prescribed Klonopin when needed

I plan on utilizing each item and have them with me everywhere I go. Going forward with my treatment plan I will inform all those involved that the sign of distress will involve putting on the headphones and playing music. Depending on the scenario I will either play on my Nintendo Switch or fidget with my Infinity cube, too. The Klonopin will be taken before any public scenario takes place. The care team will anticipate if any extra medication needs to be brought for longer outings.

I would like to bring up the concept of creating a Mind Palace with Andrew at our next therapy session. 

My basic construct of my Mind Palace so far includes:

Location- The Cemetary from the 2004 movie The Phantom of the Opera